Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sad Solidarity

I haven't blogged in a while. I've been busy, ferpeetsake! If working and kids wasn't enough to keep me busy, this semester I took a history class online as I s-l-o-w-l-y plug away at this inexplicable desire to obtain a degree. "A degree in what?" you might ask. Good darn question. I know what I like, and what I don't like. But I don't know what the title of my chosen major would be. Is there a degree called "Healthy living-traveling-cooking-eating-exploring the outdoors" degree? If there is, that's the one I want. Until I find that one, though, I have to decide on something actually offered. So, I plug away...general ed class by general ed class.

Recently, the desire to get out of law enforcement has been overwhelming. While I spent the first 19 years of my career loving to go to work, feeling significant and important in the world, and secretly patting myself on the back for falling into law enforcement out of high school rather than going to college and incurring a lot of student loan debt, I am now at a crossroads. Since I left the Child Exploitation position, work has been less than satisfying. Patrol, midnights, is downright unpleasant. It is hard to be motivated when it seems that NOBODY appreciates you. When I first began in law enforcement, there was a sense of solidarity among this elite group of people who put themselves in harms way or who answer the 911 calls and handle the stress that comes with helping people through their worst days. There was a sense that we were all a special group of people who saw the world through lenses the rest of the world could not wear. Once in a while, someone in the public would come up and offer a word of thanks or appreciation. Occasionally, someone would take the time to write a thank you note. It's been a very long time since I've experienced any of those things. Now, the city I work for seems to have us in the crosshairs. Blaming public servants for the financial crises in the city, rallying the public against us under the battle cry of "pension reform" and devaluing what we do has hit me hard. The community at large, at least the part that bothers to interject, seems also to undervalue and despise us. Combine that with what seems like a department lacking in decisive, inspiring leadership, and I am left feeling unfulfilled. I see the same look of frustration in the eyes of my peers as it seems everyone is looking for a way out before everything they built over the last decades is reduced to rubble. The mantra of "why bother" or "why should I" is no longer the lament of a handful of negative naysayers looking for an excuse, but rather seems to be the mantra in the world around me. Unsupported, unmotivated, unmentored, undervalued, undermined, and unsafe seem to be the new collective feelings. A new kind of sad solidarity.

Lately, I've been thinking about what mark I want to make in the world. "Be the change you want to see in the world." Mahatma Ghandi's words are one of the few quotes I can remember (aside from "ET phone home" and "I'll be baaaack".) So, the question remains...what is the change I want to see in the world? I'm closing in on an answer. It used to be that I wanted to see justice and be a part of it. I wanted to help people in their greatest time of need. I wanted to save children from abuse. While being a police officer has served me in the first half of my life in doing some of those things, the mindset of the community (including the law enforcement community) has left me with a bitter taste about it. The fact that it does not seem fulfilling anymore is a signal to me that I need to shift toward what I am really "meant" to do.

So, what is that? I know it's going to start with education. It's going to include working with people in a one-on-one way where I can really focus on affecting change. It's going to include travel and exploration. It must center around the principles of balance, health, nutrition, exercise, education and overall wellness. So my next step is to "be" these changes I want to see. Rather than waiting for New Years, I'm resolving to start right now. With a nap.