Insomnia

Ever elusive zzzzs. Those things that I cannot seem to get today. So, my wonderful husband put in black out shades and installed a portable air conditioning unit because he so desperately wants me to sleep. It might seem selfless, but I'm sure my being rested benefits him. I've seen me without sleep. It's not pretty.

In spite of his efforts, there is the little problem of our very bright bathroom and my wimpy bladder. Inevitably, I have to pee about 2 hours into any sleep session. I could have spent a month in the desert without so much as a drop of liquids and STILL, I gotta go. So, going from a pitch black cool room to the blazing sunlight of my bathroom thrusts me in to consciousness. AHA, a solution. I keep a knit beanie next to the bed. When I have to pee, I keep my eyes closed, yank that down over my head akin to Dumb Donald without the eyeholes and maneuver my way in like a sightless drunk to the potty. VICTORY. I should be able to fall back into sweet slumber, right? Not quite.

You see, we have Bubba. The sweet labrador that has become my shadow. Despite the fact that Shawn bought him, trained him, wrestles with him, kisses him (almost uncomfortably so), bathes him, throws the ball for him, the dog is absolutely devoted to me. Apparently, he's so devoted he wants to be next to me when I pee. Which I would have known if I could see. I'll give him credit...he lasted about two hours in there all by himself on the cold tile before he finally howled his way into my dreams and startled me awake. Oh well...I can survive on 4.2 hours of sleep, right? Why am I doing this again? Oh, that's right....work.

Recently, Emma was playing with the other kids and a friend's child. They were playing good ole "cops and robbers." As Emma ran by with a plastic assault rifle filled with icy water (oh, if they only issued those to us...in fact it could be a good parenting tool...but I digress), I asked her if she was a cop or a robber, she loudly proclaimed, "A COP! It's in my BLOOD!"

I hope insomnia isn't in her blood, too.

Cable Withdrawl

While I loved my time working in Child Exploitation, now that I'm out of it I realize how much more time I seem to have. No caseload and no work from home has been a huge weight off my shoulders. The fly in the ointment is that I'm working midnights again. Why, might you ask, would I choose to work midnights? I am still asking myself that question. I'm more of a swing-shift kinda gal...the pace and hours of swings makes me far happier. But, alas, I need to actually spend time with my family, even if it is zombie-time. It's been two months, and I feel like I've finally adjusted to the shock of it and am now starting to enjoy my shift and my days off. Then we went and got rid of our TV. My idea...with Shawn's full buy-in. Turns out I'm the only one around here feeling the loss. My multi-tasking, ADD tendencies meant the TV was often my background when doing any and all things around the house. Now there is a very heavy silence around me. It's plain weird. I'm jonesing...

Things are in great turmoil around here. We are in the process of letting our condo and house go. I hate to say we are "losing" them because really it's a calculated decision rather than a loss over which we have no control. It just doesn't make sense to continue throwing money way. With attacks on our income and pensions, it is proving to be a good decision. We will hopefully come through the other side of this with a plan for retirement and college for the kids. Home-ownership just isn't the opportunity it once was. We've learned that we cannot count on the pensions that we'd been planning around for all these years, so it's time to make adjustments and difficult choices. The good thing about this? It has forced us to really analyze our priorities.

All the turmoil at work has caused me to really reflect on exactly what about my job makes me happy. The pension, benefits, and job security have always been a draw. I've always thought of myself as lucky to have fallen into this work without a degree and without really planning it. I've loved this job from the start. With the security, pension, and benefits all being shaken, how do I feel? I still love it. It's interesting, exciting, meaningful and fun. But I have to admit that I'm deflated. The loyalty I once felt for the city has waned in the face of the barrage of attacks. My morale, like everyone around me, is low.

So, as a woman of action, I'm looking for something else. Not necessarily a job change - with 20 years invested it wouldn't be prudent to leave right now. But I'm going back to school and thinking about what I want to do next. I'm drawn toward something that allows me to affect a change in the consciousness of women. My work in Internet Safety, sexual assaults and child exploitation has really opened my eyes to the way women are treated, and the way we treat ourselves. I want to do something to change that. I'm not sure how just yet. My interests in health and nutrition are also working their way into my thoughts of the future. Perhaps I can find a way to weave all of these into a meaningful hobby or cause.

I'm not sure if I'll talk much about Shawn or the kids on this blog. Without their permission, it seems somehow a violation. In fact, I'm not exactly what I'll be using this blog for other than to write and practice formulating thoughts and ideas...a welcome change to the "facts" and "synopsized statements" I usually write.

Thanks for reading!